The Phantom Menace

The worst of the Star Wars movies, and also the one with the stupidest title (although Attack Of The Clones is daft, it doesn't sound like a name of a Scooby Doo episode). Let's just look closely at the plot for a second.. Qui-Gonn Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi are sent to Naboo to negotiate an end to the blockade imposed by the Federation.. oh my god I'm yawning already. They rescue Padme and end up on Tatooine. Sadly without a hyperdrive. So Qui-Gonn uses the Force to cheat at gambling with the locals, and enlists a 10 year old to race in an incredibly dangerous local sport. Does he care if the little squirt ends up as toast? No, not really - he didn't go there to rescue slaves. Anyway, they eventually manage to scam their way off the planet, taking Anakin with them since his midichlorians are off the scale. Uh huh. Back on Coruscant, the Jedi Council pronounce Anakin unsuitable for Jedi training, so Qui-Gonn decides to do it anyway. Cut to big battle on Naboo, carnage, improbable battle tactics, and didgeridoos cluttering up the soundtrack whenever we see the Gungans. Darth Maul (one of the more rubbish Sith lords) kills Qui-Gonn and gets killed by Obi-Wan. Anakin saves the day. Palpatine starts touching him. Big street party, the end. The special effects resemble something done to show off Luca's special effects workshop rather than anything to advance the story. Sadly, these effects are trounced by the WETA of LOTR fame. Rubbish acting throughout, with wooden, humourless performances from all except Liam Neeson as Qui-Gonn and that guy who plays Palpatine. Characters: R2D2 - as usual, saves the day C3PO - Annoying as ever Qui-Gonn Jinn - now we found out what the Jedi were really like, a bunch of dodgy bastards Obi-Wan Kenobi - should have been played by Russell Crowe. Padme - Mmm, Natalie Portman.. shame she wasn't anywhere near as good as she is in Leon, or anything else Palpatine - Like Liam Neeson, played by a great actor trapped amongst a cast of CG and equally lifeless actors Jar Jar Binks - Die. Please. Just die. Galactic scum.