Blind man's bluff

A retributive procedure for avenging one's girlfriend's frigidity of the previous night involving a rather cruel artifice (note - artifice, not oriface, although it is quite possible that her orifaces may well have been cruel, hence the ease of confusion). Procedure - the perpetrator must make sure that he awakens in the morning before the victim. Like a secret sex-ninja he must have a silent wraith-wank, being careful to ensure that any bed wobbling does not awaken the victim. After his sausage-basting reaches climax, he must dab a finger tip in the resulting cheddar-puddle and rub a sufficient amount of his monkey-spunk along the closed edges of the victim's eyelids, making sure that the eyelashes have a sufficient glazing of knob-gloop so as to become intractably stuck to one another. After pausing to allow for drying and cementation, the perpetrator lights a few matches and blows them out quickly, allowing some of the thick smoke to drift into the victim's nostrils. After she begins to stir at the noxious smell wafting into her alternative nasal cock tunnels, the perpetrator must shout, as loudly and as anxiously as possible, "FIRE, FIRE... THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE.. YOU ARE ON FIRE!"