Yuppie Tee

So you want to be a Yuppie? Here's what you have to do. Never act masculine. Masculine is macho, you know, and all the soccer moms just HATE anything masculine. Never learn how to drive a stick shift like a man. Drive a wussy automatic, just like an old grandma. Or a chimpanzee. Step on your brakes all the time, just like an old lady. Ride your brakes going down all hills. Never learn how to gear down your transmission or take it out of overdrive. Cultivate arrogance. Wear it on your face as a smug expression. Always talk down to waiters and service people, to let them know you're a hot-shit Yuppie. To prove your worth, always blow a trumpet fanfare when you lock your car. Be the first Yuppie on the block to buy a set of trumpets that blow when you lock your house. Everyone wants to hear trumpets, and they will all look up to you in awe and admiration. Always jabber and prattle on your cell phone like an old lady gossiping. Everyone who sees you will admire you. Learn to call problems "issues," just like a soccer mom. All the soccer moms will admire you for that. Tell everyone you're going on vacation in Cancun or St. Tropez. That will surely score you big points with the soccer moms. Always carry a PDA. The more useless things it does, the better. Show everyone how it can dial a phone and remind you it's time to go for your manicure. For extra points, let it remind you to go for a pedicure. When a crowd is listening, pick up your cell phone and talk LOUDLY. Say "buy 40,000 shares of IBM." Wherever you go, assume an air of entitlement. You are entitled to take your dog inside stores, despite the NO DOGS signs. You are entitled to use your cell phone in the movies. You are entitled to two parking spaces.