St. Ignatius College Prep

A high school lying on the outskirts of downtown Chicago. Though students typically travel in from affluent suburbs, they like to think going to Ignatius gives them "street-cred" and makes them "city-smart," which it most certainly does not. While these sheltered students try to shed the soft, pampered reputation they have received, the fact remains that there are chandeliers in the cafeteria and the buildings are nicer than many on collegiate campuses. Try as they might, no Ignatius athletic teams seem to be able to have consistent success. Though their parents always by their children top-of-the-line equipment, athleticism is rare and has lead to Ignatius' reputation as a"guaranteed win." This is evident in the annual Fenwick/Ignatius football game where Ignatius will usually lose by a deficit of at least 35 points. Even as Ignatius boasts itself as an "academic powerhouse," their Math and Science teams consistently prove inferior to other prep schools, including bitter rival Fenwick, who also outshines them on standardized test scores. Known for having below average-looking women, the social scene is also lacking. A typical weekend for any Ignatius student usually consists of stealing Bacardi Razz or Malibu Rum from one's parents and sneaking it into a party in a water bottle. After each consuming the equivalent of two or three shots, students generally become intoxicated and resort to bizarre homoerotic behavior including, but not limited to: applying body glitter, dancing to Jonas Brothers, wearing black leather, watching reruns of Ellen, etc. This metrosexuality is also also exemplified by the clothing worn by students, including brands such as American Eagle, Abercrombie, Hollister, etc. Many Ignatius boys like using hair gel to mold a faux-hawk or spend 20 minutes on creating that "just-rolled-out-of-bed look." Pooka shells, Kanye West sunglasses, Birkenstocks, stud earrings, destroyed/paint-stained jeans, designer graphic tees, and many other types of extremely lame clothing are staples in the daily Ignatius outfit. Yes, while the douchebags of Ignatius sit smugly in their ivory towers, the rest of Chicagoland, and the country, has a laugh at their expense.