Peterborough Tee

Not to be confused with the Peterborough of the UK, this particular Peterborough is nestled on the banks of the Otonabee River (an Ojibwa word meaning "Shit-stink Carp Water")located in Southern Ontario Canada, the City of Peterborough and is now home to almost 70,000 people. The present location of Peterborough once was the site of a Huron village, "Awananastufuk" (loosely translated to mean a "place with 7 glacial drumlins, many mosquitoes, as well as a river, which is badly in need of some kind of lock system to facilitate transport and trade, but not worth our while to stay and build it so we'll go somewhere else and who the hell's idea was it to move here any way? He's getting a fucking tomahawk to the head I can tell you that much.") The site of Peterborough was abandoned until the 1820s, when a ship of Irish immigrants, bound for York, crashed in the rapids of the Otonabee (which, interestingly enough, was not the most direct route for them to have taken to York. Showing the hand of fate in the creation of Peterborough). These immigrants established a community which has continued to flourish ever since. The pioneers named the town after the intrepid navigator, Peter Robinson, who had guided their voyage. Originally called "Place-where-that- butthead-Peter-crashed-the-boat" the name was shortened to "Peter-butthead" and finally to the current "Peterborough." In the late 19th century, Peterboroughians constructed the largest hydraulic liftlock in the world. More than 14,000 workers were brought in to work on the project. Of these, 13 settled in Peterborough with their families (it should be noted that of the 13, 12 had suffered debilitating injuries that severely limited their mobility or mental capacity. The Thirteenth, Sean "Crazy Drunk" O'Doule, founded a local tavern called the "Pig's Ear.") The liftlock still functions today and has done well at the Canadian Tourism Awards: being the four time recipient of "Most Inexplicable Attraction" award, and having never been defeated in the "Ugliest Landmark" category. Some Interesting Peterborough Facts, Males: * Percentage who still own and wear Poison/G&R/Metallica paraphernalia: 10410 times the national average. * With an average short long factor of 2.4 (length of hair at the back divided by length of hair on top), Peterborough ranks second in the country (behind Wingham, Ontario, site of the affiliated Wingham Project: Breeding Stupidity) and is approximately 8 times the national average. * Percentage who think "Cat Scratch Fever" is a good song: 42% (national average 2%.) * Percentage who, when asked to name a classical piece, answered "Stairway to Heaven": 62% * "Air Guitar" frequency: at 3.4 imagined riffs per person per day, Peterborough is more than four times it's nearest competition in this category. Females: * Per capita purchases of stretch pants: 412 times the national average. * Percentage who think Sebastian Bach is "hot": 98%* * Percentage who think he did "well" or "very well" singing the national anthem at the 1996 Memorial cup: 98%* * Percentage who are attracted to the "short/long": 98%* (ed. note: approximately 2% of women were unavailable for this poll.) *Hairspray consumption, per capita: 32 times the national average. General: * Donut consumption: 56 times the national average. * Alcohol Consumption: 12 times the national average (23 times, if we exclude surrounding communities of Peterborough from the national average).