Breaking Dawn Tee

The fourth and final installment of the hugely popular saga, Twilight. It is best know for lacking a decent, gripping plot that makes sense, and the creation of a mutant-vampire-baby-freak Renesmee. A 12 step sum up of Breaking Dawn 1. Bella marries Edward in a sickeningly-sweet wedding. 2. They go on honeymoon and consummate their marriage (although re-reading is needed to understand that they actually did do it) using pillows and headboards. 3. Edward beats the shit out of Bella during the unmentioned act and vows not to do it again until she is a vampire (which, in all honestly, is really quiet sensible and realistic), but she then seduces him and they continue the unmentioned. 4. Bella becomes pregnant by mutant vampire sperm attacking her womb. Edward know this will hurt her and wants her to get rid of it (again, sensible), but Bella stupidly falls in love with the baby freak and will not allow it. 5. The pregnancy is dragged on through about 100 pages of boringness interspersed with gross vampire pregnancy-ness. 6. Bella FINALLY gives birth in a terrifying R rated movie way, which involved the baby exploding from her insides (think if the movie Alien), which breaking her bones, basically destroying her. Oh yeah, and Edward gives her a C-section with his teeth. Yum. 7. Jacob the werewolf imprints on the mutant baby. Poor Jacob. 8. Bella becomes a vampire and they all play happy family for about 200 VERY LONG pages. 9. The Volturi find out about the mutant baby Reneesme, uh-oh. Finally some action! 10. Preparations are made for the Volturi's arrival; you begin to feel slightly interested in the book, wondering who will die (hopefully the freak child). 11. The Volturi come, 100 pages of discussion and they leave. No fight, no (real) deaths. The suspense was for nothing. You begin to start the fire to burn the book. 12. They return to playing happy family. Insert book in fire. Yeah, Breaking Dawn. The only thing it has broken is thousands of dedicated fans' souls. Thanks Meyer.