The spotter’s guide to geeks

Geek: (geekus geekus) Part of the homo-minor family of human being. A part of the ever-increasing number of, ‘lower’ forms of human life. In nature a kind of ‘Troglodyte’, its burrow being a dark and damp room filled with old comic books and/or computer parts. Physically speaking there are many differences between the average human and a geek. The geek has a tendency to stoop with an arched back that will eventually develop into a kind of hump, possibly to store water in if a tap is too far away from the computer, the geek’s skin is covered in white and/or red blemishes and growths (this is thought to be some kind of camouflage), because of the dark environment they are used to living in they are often visually impaired and need to look or rather peer through thick glasses, the geek is very often of a very weak build and the strongest muscles in their body are, in fact located in the fingers and forearm as these are the only parts of the body with the most frequent uses. An interesting feature to the skin of a geek is the thick oily slime covering their bodies; this has a horrible odour and gives the geek a noticeable shininess. It is unknown as to why the geek has developed this, but a recent study into the matter by St Beckham’s university of geekology has shown that it is used as a kind of defensive precaution 1) because any physical contact will merely slip off the surface and 2) because the horrifying smell will cause the enemy, or predator, to retreat to a safe distance and the geek then uploads a virus onto the said enemy’s computer. To a geek the computer is the source of life, if it was legal they would marry it, frequently the computer was hand built by the geek and has better/more expensive components than every one else. A geek takes great pride in his/her computer, and attempts to become popular by boasting that their computer has the greatest graphics/sound/whatever card, processor, hard drive and/or software so that no one can hack into it and is totally immune to viruses. Often this is completely false. If a geek feels that their computer is under threat or has been insulted in any way, they will proceed to upload a virus, or nowadays ‘upload packets’ onto the computer of those doing the threatening or insulting causing great annoyance. Over time a geek somehow becomes physically attached to their computer, there are reported cases of geeks showing withdrawal symptoms if they are too far away from their computer, these include vomiting, foaming at the mouth and over all extreme annoying and sometimes violent behaviour. Geeks are often timid creatures but, if provoked, will attack using its array of defence mechanisms. These include the oily slime secreted over its body (see above) and a very venomous bite. Increased exposure to computers, especially in a geek burrow, leads to the development of certain glands in the body, these glands have been named ‘geek-syndrome growths’, not much about these abnormalities is known, as a full autopsy of a geek has not been performed yet, apart from two commonly used by the geek in it’s defence. One of them is an abnormality in the skin, it takes from of almost chronic acne that covers the whole body, but is in fact small slime-secreting glands that contribute to the geek’s protective slime layer. The other is located in the back of the mouth, a kind of venom gland similar to that found in many species of snakes throughout the world. A geek is very unknown to a dentist and will, almost definitely, have serrated pointy teeth that are close to razor sharp, a tooth brush or indeed dental hygiene is unknown to many geeks so is the perfect breeding ground for many rare, and sometimes unique cultures of bacteria this is often recognisable from the horrific bad breath (imagine corpse rotting in a swamp). Combined, the venom, bacteria and razor sharp teeth means that the geek has a potentially lethal bite. Geek-syndrome develops in different ways from geek to geek so no accurate definition can be given concerning the bites and this also means that no effective anti venom can be developed, but in many cases the venom causes excruciating pain, paralysis and in worse cases heart failure, if the victim survives the poison they will have to endure bacterial diseases for example; gangrene, tetanus, hepatitis and in the worst cases necrotising faciiis (also known as the flesh eating bacteria, only curable through amputation). If in a conflict with a geek always avoid being bitten and deal with them as you would a chav, that is to corner them in a corner, dark alleyway etc, with clenched fists the geek will then proceed to shit themselves, if not start punching and/or kicking them until screaming or unconscious (preferably both). Remember that a conflict or argument with a geek generally leads to viruses being uploaded (allegedly). The mating habits of geeks are best not spoken of, not that it is a very rare occurrence as the geek will often look grotesque to the eye, but that a geeks severe deformities is a very disturbing thought to be connected with another with similar such abnormalities. Spotting a geek is surprisingly difficult, even though the severe mal-formations would-logically- make them stick out like a sore disease ridden thumb, but it is because the geek very rarely leaves their burrows and may never have seen the outside world before. However they are surprisingly easy to find on the internet, usual habitats include video game forums, chat rooms and MMORPGs (massively multiplayer role playing games), look out for screen names including numbers to replace letters in a word, and also incoherent and non-understandable pronouns, for example the usage of square brackets and random letters ( ) means that they belong to some kind of internet ‘clan’. Also look out for people advertising their own web sites and/or some kind of product, this also suggests geek-syndrome. It is possible to cure Geek-syndrome through a process called disarmament, this includes, surgical removal from a computer, dental correction and extraction of the main geek growths as described above. After this is the introduction to ‘real life’ for example a girl/boy friend. This process can cause a geek to make a full recovery so that it can re join the rest of society performing pointless tasks in their new disorientated, brainwashed state of mind.