Sacramento Tee

A terrible place to live. and here is why: 1. Downtown sucks my ass 2. Our homeless problem has spread to our suburbs and is swiftly becoming a national joke 3. We have a Triple-A baseball team whose mascot is called "dinger." 4. Our NBA franchise, our lone major sports team, can't win the big one, has seen its' best years pass it by, and is itching to move to Las Vegas. 5. There are no real restaurants anywhere within 100 miles of here. 6. Our idea of a landmark is the downtown bridge. Gorgeous. 7. When people ask for recommendations of things to do in Sacramento, there are only two possible answers: 1. Long pause, followed by "See the capitol building!" 2. Tell them to keep driving until they get to San Francisco 8. We host the State Fair… a haven for hill people and white trash 9. Frisbee golf is considered acceptable recreation here. 10. The biggest sports debate in this town is which of the football teams, located 100 miles away from here, is your favorite. 11. Our fans at basketball games ring cow bells. 12. There is no freeway linking the two fastest growing counties (el Dorado and Placer). There are no plans for such a freeway. The roads that do connect the two (Sunrise and Hazel) are ALWAYS under construction. 13. The only time our city makes national news, it's negative. Think "Fire Department scandal." 14. Our idea of "great shopping," is a strip mall that has a "Barnes and Knoble," AND an "Old Navy." Classy. 15. We are surrounded by such lovely smaller cities as Lodi, Stockton, Modesto, Fairfield and Vacaville. 16. Our city's slogan is the "City of Trees." Not the city of lights, city by the bay or city that never sleeps…the city of trees. Wow, how utterly horticultural. 17. Most people move to California for the scenery, weather, culture, leisure activities and mind-set. We have none of that. People began the influx into Sacramento 10 years for one reason; it was cheap. Now we don't even have that. 18. Our city's nicknames are queer. Los Angeles is the "city of angels" (the only people in the nation that call it "la-la land" are jealous people from northern California). New Orleans is "the big easy." Chicago is "chi(shy)-town." What are we? "Sac"... you know, as in "ball sack." 19. Our second greatest landmark, after the bridge, is the river. The brown, disgusting river that homeless guys defecate in daily. 20. Of all of the major metropolitan areas in America, we have, hands down, the worst, most pathetic, most embarrassing airport in the nation. I will cede that it is trying to catch up now, but it has a long way to go. 21. We actually set up a tennis stadium in a mall parking lot... and we think it's perfectly ok to do so. 22. Actor Timothy Busfield is our most famous hometown celebrity. 23. Our official city flower is the "oleander." 24. People here think Granite Bay is where the rich and powerful live. Have you EVER been to Beverly Hills, La Jolla, Sausalito, or Long Island? 25. Our biggest agricultural claim to fame is…rice. Yes, flooded fields of rice. 26. Our zoo is crappy. It takes 37 minutes to walk the entire thing. 27. The only place to get a great steak in this town is at a chain restaurant. 28. Our hotels are horrible 29. the people here are terrible, bitchy people. 30. when returning to sacramento from a trip, you get the feeling of bitchyness while entering the city.