cubs fan

The worst fans of any sports team in the history of the world. Characterized by the ability to yell, "YAAAAAY, Cubbies!" like a 12 year old girl, and an incessant need to tell other teams' fans that they suck... even as the Cubs lose... again. It is believed Cubs fans breathe through a particular speech process, which requires them to describe the high prices of concessions at Wrigley Field, thus announcing the great wealth they perceive themselves to possess. Social structure amongst Cubs fans is based upon the number of times an individual can appear on television; researchers believe this explains why Wrigley Field sells out and why Cubs fans always dress like New Jerseyite teenage girls at the mall. Little is known about their reproductive habits, although it is believed to involve large amounts of cheap alcohol and roofies. There are two main varieties of Cubs fan: male and female. The male variety is characterized as a "douche" and/or a "brah". Sometimes, he is simply referred to as an "asshole". He is easily spotted by his trucker cap (generally cocked to the side), his styled-to-look-that-way "messy" hair, flip-flops and his multiple shirts (each generally two or three sizes too small). Male Cubs fans may also "pop" their collars and may be found drinking margaritas. In their natural environment, male Cubs fans often sport barbwire tattoos on their arms; in their parlace, this is: "Fucken RAAAAAD, BRAAAH!" The female variety of Cubs fan is characterized by a skreetchy voice, too much make-up (which will be fixed multiple times during every game, often while the Cubs are at the plate), high heels and mid-game questions such as, "Who are the Cubs playing today?" and "When do the Cubs hit again?" Due to a fear of food and the fact they are born with a make-up brush in each hand, female Cubs fans are often visually attractive. However, potential suitors are cautioned to listen to her speak and/or count the number of labels she has prominently featured on her body or belongings as these signs often point to "high maintenance" levels far exceeding those of other "high maintenance" females.