philosophy

Analagous to stroking one's penis, but done through the activity of thinking. Philosophy comes from the two root words phil, meaning "love", and sophy, meaning "to stroke ones penis incessantly and abstractly while maintaining a pretentious air about you". Combined, we can deduce that this means "to love one's own penis incessantly arrogantly and abstractly." Philosophy is broken down into many disciplines. Some to be considered are: epistemology, metaphysics and ontology. Epistemology simply asks the question, "how do i know i am a fucking pretentious moron?" Over the centuries, many a party-goer has asked this question to philosophers only to be answered with high noses and comments about how wonderful the wine and cheese is, when you actually know it was 2 buck chuck and a cracker-barrel. Next comes metaphysics. Metaphysics is what idiots at parties talk about when they are trying to prove they are better than you. Often times this involves theories of Truth, (with a capital T) and theories about why some philosophy dude will never go to home with that hot girl because he shows up to a party with a Nietzsche book in his pocket like its something she should be impressed by. Ontology is the theory being. It simply asks the question, "Am i a pretentious moron?" Most philosophers cannot answer this question because they are so full of themselves, they cannot see past their own dissertations that try to explain a chair or a desk or any other inanimate object in the room. While philosophy majors can most generally be categorized as annoying and useless, we can deduce from this simple syllogism the following: 1. All philosophy majors are pretentious assholes. 2. Pretentious assholes will do you favors if you stroke their egos 3. if you stroke a pretentious asshole's ego, you can get him to do anything 4. you can get a philosophy major to do anything if you stroke his ego a little bit. So they arent completely useless. For example, you can get a philosophy kid to get you a beer when you need one at a party if you tell him you are interested in his theory (which by the way is never his particular theory) but just him reciting some bullshit he read. Nonetheless, if you just appease his need to assert intellectual dominance in a social atmosphere, you have a masturbating helper monkey as your new friend.