Townie

The townie (tracksuits retardus) are hideous creatures which roam the lands of England. They tend to be known as chavs, neds or basically just fucking assholes. The male of the species tend to be called 'Gav', 'Gaz', 'Baz', 'Nat' or 'Matty'. He tends to have a shaved head, to make him look 'rock 'ard, innit', or in modern English, tough. Although townies are racist towards asians, they accept black people into their 'crew', and the black townies tend to bleach their hair yellow (blonde). Their hides tend to consist of (fake) Burberry caps, hoodies over the top, with the hood constantly up, matching tracksuit bottoms with the lines down the side, and white trainers. They also tend to wear plastic rings from the 20 pence (British money) plastic jewelry vending machines. They buy all their 'bling' or 'heavy shit' with money stolen from their parents or 5-year-olds which they beat up, money found on the floor, or from drug dealing and their girlfriends' prostitution, which brings me onto the female of the species. Female townies tend to be named after dolls, or celebrities such as 'Britney' or 'Jordan' (Americans, Jordan is a page 3 model famous for her massive big tits). There are two types of female townie. There is the Stripy Pink Townie and the Half Naked Townie. The stripy pink townie wears a white tracksuit top with 'Babe' on the front in bright pink text with pink stripes down the sleeves, and cheapest of the cheap matching white jogging bottoms with pink stripes down them, all of this of course, with the cheap white trainers. The half naked townie wears very little. She wears a 2-inch long skirt, knee-high boots and tight bra-tops. They are sluts, and are usually prostitutes. The two types of female have alot of things in common, however. They both wear hoop-earings with a diameter of 2 meters, they both wear cheap makeup and perfume which smells of fresh assjuice, they are all blonde with huge dark roots, even the natural blonde townies have 9-inch roots. All townies travel in groups of 50 to about 80. They beat up anything which moves, however they don't fight alone, for instance it will take them all to beat up a couple of 7-year-olds and steal their money. There are usually under-10s in the group of townies, usually the sons and daughters of the 11-year-old townies. The offspring will usually see you coming, run back to the group of townies and tell them that you were picking on them, quite basically, they are all little shits. As the big townies start shouting abuse at you, the little townies will usually finish their fathers' sentences with "yeah!", "go on, Gav, beat the shit out of the fucker" or "yer fuckin' dead ya knob 'ed". All townies smoke. It's not an option. The strange creatures seem to live on nicotine rather than oxygen, scientists still want to investigate this, but they can't get too close to capture a townie without getting spat at or beat up. If you hear "WHAT YOU WALKIN' AWAY FOR?", "WHAT YOU FUCKIN' LOOKIN' AT?" or "DON'T YOU FUCKIN' IGNORE ME!", it is a good chance that within 30 seconds, you will be chased by a bunch of 50 or so male townies on bikes which they got for Christmas when they were 5 years old, spitting and swearing. Townies never actually beat anyone up, but they spit and throw things so be warned.