Joburg Mug

Johannesburg. Coolest city in the world. It is the most dangerous city outside of a war zone. It has the friendliest people in the world. It can both take away and restore your faith in humanity on the same day. The Northern Suburbs are so green that they're one of the largest artificial forests in the world (just drive north on the M1 past the St.Andrews street bridge, and all you see is trees to the horizon, with a few buildings sticking out at Sandton, Rosebank and Randburg). In Joburg the traffic cops take cheques and the minibus taxis and nightclub bouncers are run by the mafia. Beggars at the traffic lights earn more than doctors and roadside hawkers actually go onto the highway in rush hour. The streets change names 3 times a year and the baggage handlers at the airport are more likely to open your bag and replace your digital camera with a kilo of cocaine than not. Every second street is closed for roadworks and the Gautrain (due to be completed in 2011, but will probably only be ready in 2014) will be Africa's first subway. A major landmark is a huge soccer-ball shaped balloon tethered to the ground, with a restaurant on it, right next to a shopping centre that looks like a medieval Italian town. Even your guard dogs, security guards and the police are not safe from the criminals, and Kyalami is the biggest equestrian suburb in the world. Edenvale is Chinese, Bruma is Lebanese, Cyrildene is Jewish, Kempton Park is Russian, Hillbrow is Nigerian. There are more goldmines than in any other city on Earth, and the central train station is the world's largest inland container terminal. Melville, Rivonia, Fourways and Parkhurst are THE places go at night, but only if you don't mind waking up naked in a dumpster with a silly hat and a new tattoo. All the cellphone towers are disguised as trees, but the tallest building in the city is a radio tower with a billboard and office on it. It a first-world city in a third-world continent, and despite everything the corrupt, bigoted thieving lying brain-dead government can do to turn South Africa into a banana republic African shithole, Joburg just keeps growing and growing.