Ernie

A teacher who would rather have some nice oak dowelling than a woman. Residing in a technology department near you is Ernie. His non-sensical manner generates vast amounts of pupil-induced histerior, normally arising from the 23 hours of pure shit that comes out of his mouth every day. Ernie is well known in Waffling Circles, and has been crowned, apparently, Bullshit King of the United Kingdom. Amongst all of stories that Ernie tells daily (he does tell most stories many times), I have yet to hear one that is at least vaguely interesting. Nestled in-between his sagas concerning the Swedish plumbing system and Russian transport normally resides the most boring subject of all- his life. Without provocation he will enter into a phase of reflection, followed by a good hour or so of him telling us how much he hates himself. He will give us a monologue of how many thousands of pounds he has lost through being a twat, how his mother threw out his dinky toys when he was fourteen, and how we should make something in Design and Technology as boring and mundane as a door or a paint pot. Oh, the excitement. Complimenting Ernie's horific amount waffle is Ernie's horrific amount of comb-over. Being 50 something means that Ernie is going bald, and instead of admitting it like most men, Ernie has decided to attempt to cover it up with the most ridiculous hair style you could possibly see. Every time he coughs or splutters, his comb-over lifts up a little, revealing the bald scalp below. This is not helped by the faeces coloured knitted pullovers that he often wears- knitted, presumably, by himself. Being such a waffler means that Ernie gives us little time to actually do any work. He still demands that it be completed though, and after talking for 50 minutes of a 1 hour lesson, he complains that the resulting design looks like a pile of dog mess (or his pullover for that matter). His punnishements for poor work range from cleaning the worktops to a full-blown expulsion. It has even been rumoured that one poor pupil had to trim Ernie's nasal hair, presumably after being caught impersonating the teacher by putting a paintbrush up his nose.