Spahr, David

(n.), (adj.) Dr. David "Davey" Spahr IV, born in East Gebumfuck Africa in 1915 while his father served an active tour of duty in the U.S. Marines. Dr. Spahr earned physics doctorates from Harvard, Yale and Princeton when he was only 4 months old by taking online college classes in his mothers womb via a computer and wireless modem he had constructed from a quarter, which his mother had accidentally swallowed when she was a child. He was nominated for his first Nobel prize at the age of seven, but turned it down saying "The world just isn't ready for a cure for cancer". As brilliant as he his, Spahr suffers from several neurological disorders including ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), evident when he looks out the window at random points during his lectures at his Baldwin High School teaching post. His expectations for his pupils are exceedingly high, alotting only seconds for pop quizes and assigning labs described as such: "Here is a Q-Tip. Compute my favorite flavor of Ice Cream". Spahr feels a strong sense of rejection from his childhood because of the denial from his true love, genericly named "Betty Sue". He constantly looks for closure and often talks of his father at very random and inopportune points during the day, such as this, while he was explaining the physics concept of Torque: "My father once told me (Chuckling), 'Davey! If you don't eat your vegetables, I'll beat you with a rubber hose!'". Of course, this only adds to the confusion of his already befuddled students. His work for the government during the Cold War in constructing a Contractual Knanker Valve Defibulatory Radi-Mechanical Wombat, or Complicated Piece of Shit for short, has David Spahr constantly checking out the window of his class to see if the government sends a hovercraft to whisk him off to his next assignment. His intelligence and humor have earned him big name friends such as Giesler, Karl. Spahr, underneath his tough shell, connects with the students on a deep level, such as when he asked "Are you guys looking at porn back there? Lemme see!". Fun Fact: Spahr solved Eintein's Theory of Relativity when he was an infant.