xenu

Xenu was a benevolent ruler, with only the best interests of the Galactic Confederacy in mind. Seventy-five million years ago, the Confederacy was in an awful state of affairs. Gross overpopulation threatened to destroy the already fragile ecosystems and economies of many planets in the Galactic Confederacy, and Xenu knew that he had to do something. He could stand idly by and watch the planets destroy themselves, or he could take action. Thankfully, our Dark Lord knew what he had to do. With his Galactic Fleet consisting of millions of space planes, Xenu used an innocent ruse of "income tax inspections" and used the friendly help of pyschiatrists to lure and administer harmless injections to billions of Confederate aliens into his fleet of ships. They were to be the sacraficial lamb for the greater good. They were subsequently frozen and packed into the space planes for removal. This was completely painless for the citizens involved. Taking our alien lambs to Teegeeack (known as "Earth" to humans) our Dark Lord Xenu ordered his Exalted Renegades to latch the aliens to volcanoes where he quickly and humanely eliminated them. However, Xenu did not take into account the souls of the alien lambs. The souls, called "Thetans" by some, flew free. Xenu knew that they needed to be re-educated to forget about what had transpired, so he ordered the Exalted Renegades to catch the souls in Elecric Ribbons and re-educate them using a 3D Super-Colossal Motion Picture. The souls were given visions of modern worldly religions and then released to the world suffering from a loss of identity. The re-educated souls flocked together to form clusters and inhabited the few remaining bodies that survived the explosions. These souls have transferred from person to person throughout each individual's life cycle. These clusters of souls are known to some as "Body Thetans," but the true followers off Xenu refer to them merely as "Soul Clusters." Some believe they cause all of the problems of mankind. However, this is not true. Instead, they grant us immense inner power. But, as many things are, it was not to be. During the mass alien Exodus, Lord Xenu's Exalted Renegades were locked in heated battle with a group of evil disbelievers who addressed themselves as "Loyal Officers." They may be loyal, but not to Xenu. Rumor has it that the Loyal Officers are trying to reform, but that has mostly been dismissed as nonsense. The Loyal Officers were defeated once, then retreated to the dark corners of the Confederate territory to regroup and rebuild. With a surprise attack, the Loyal Officers ambushed our merciful Dark Lord. They ruthlessly enslaved him in a force-field prison that is powered by an eternally-charged battery.