The potato theory

the potato theory is the theory stating that: "A potato cannot be created or deystroyed, only transfered from one anus to another" this theory was first put into practice by my physics teacher, in a lesson that involved his wife, a potato, a ping pong paddle, and a un-prepared anus, needless to say it was a fun lesson. Potato theory can also be applied to time and space, for space, this theory enables the users potato to travel to faster than light speeds, inorder for this theory to be put into practice, exactly 2 grammes of mashed potatoes, and exactly 2 grammes of roast potatoes, then these items must be applied to the potato in a very delicate order; mash, roast, roast, mash, mash, mash, roast, mash. then place the potato into your anus and point it in the direction of your choosing. in order to apply this theory to time, is you need exactly 3 grammes of chips, and exactly 3 grammes of roast potatoes, the combined oils from the two potatoic foods, create a time feild, then as in the warp theory, you must place it inside of your anus and you will travel in time