Noah "PeePaw" Szymanski

Considered by some to be the greatest basketball player ever, PeePaw is known for longevity, playing across 4 decades. He averaged 18 PPG, on highly efficient shooting splits with a career .50 FG%, .37 3PT%, and .89 FT%. PeePaw entered the league in '76 quickly rising to be one of the leagues top forwards on both ends of the court, this peak was short-lived however as he led the league in turnovers in '81. The next year a bizarre trend emerged that was only later discovered by sportswriter Jon Bois in 2017. Rookie PG Fat Lever and PeePaw recorded the exact same stats over the course of the '82 season. This trend would continue all the way to Fat Lever's retirement in '95, including his injury in the '92 season where PeePaw sat out due to marital troubles. For the next four years PeePaw played limited minutes putting up career lows. However in 2000 when PeePaw started due to injury, he proceeded to have one of the greatest seasons ever at 43 years old. He averaged 26.8 PPG on 57.8% FG% and 40.6% 3PT% shooting, and 13.9 APG, winning the league's MVP and leading his team all the way to the finals. However, the most impressive stat from this season was PeePaw's 12 total dribbles, scoring purely off his silky jumper and masterful jab step + head fake bag. Much to the dismay of fans PeePaw announced his retirement in the post game 7 press conference saying that he couldn't continue on after the events of 9/11. This caused confusion at the time as nobody knew what 9/11 was.