Left Lane Larry

A chronically unaware driver who sets up shop in the left lane of any major Florida highway, treating it less like a passing lane and more like a reserved cruise control runway. Left Lane Larry doesn’t discriminate—he might be a local with a “Salt Life” decal and a sunburned arm out the window, or a snowbird tourist in a rented Altima with both hands on the wheel and a wide-brimmed hat still on indoors. Larry isn’t actively malicious—just militantly oblivious. He ignores flashing lights, honking horns, and the visible rage boiling in his rearview mirror. But try to pass him, and suddenly he becomes offended. He’ll match your speed just enough to box you in, like it’s a personal insult that you dared attempt efficiency. He’s the kind of guy who would quote the speed limit like scripture while doing 63 in a 70 and holding back a convoy of 17 vehicles. The moment you go around, he speeds up—not to pass anyone, just to punish you for trying. --- Common Traits: Drives a base-model vehicle: Camry, Impala, Altima, or a beige Buick with zero visible dents (but plenty of emotional ones) Has a college parking decal that expired in 2013 Uses cruise control as a personality trait Turn signal is optional (and usually left on for several counties) May sport bumper stickers like: “I brake for butterflies” “My other car is a prayer” Or ironically: “Keep Right Except to Pass” Windows always up. Volume always low. Seat leaned forward like he's landing a plane.