hofile Tee

A description of oneself posted on a chat or social networking site, the basic function of which is to describe the life and interests of one (usually female) who has neither, in the hopes of finding a long-lost identical soulmate, or at least a short-term sexual partner. The typical hofile consists of the following parts: 1) Name/location - usually listed as "you wish" or "yeah right" due to the number of dangerous predators on the Internet, this private information is typically withheld until 5-10 minutes into a chat session when the hofilee invites you over for sex. 2) Age - not to be confused with absolute age, this age is defined as the age that the hofilee wished she was at the time that the profile/username was originally created. Due to the variables involved, this number is generally discarded as useless information, and should be estimated instead with careful photographic analysis. 3) Marital status - typically left blank because it changes so often, this can be: Single (never married, divorced, separated, or married to someone who doesn't know how to use a computer); Married (swinger, or married and scared her husband might find her hofile); Divorced (lesbian); or Long-Term-Relationship (desparately single but won't admit it). 4) News - generally listed as "I don't know, go read the paper", this is where the hofilee would list any recent interesting events/changes in her life, if there were any; but since she does not even know this is possible, she assumes this must be for Jon Stewart Daily Show type news. 5) Hobbies/interests - generally this is either: things that the hofilee has thought about doing but never actually done because she never leaves the house; a place to announce how much the hofilee loves and is proud of her new(est) illegitimate child(ren); a place to talk about how attractive and sexy the hofilee is (generally, the number of adjectives and times that the hofilee uses words like "hot", "sexy", "chick", etc is inversely and exponentially proportional to how hot she really is); or a place for the hofilee to express her dedication to her "man" and how she will still be waiting for him when he gets out of prison. 6) Photo - typically the most accurate part of the hofile, the photo is usually the only thing looked at by anyone who actually sees the hofile. For best results, the photo should be taken with a camera-phone, from 20 feet away, in near-pitch-dark conditions, by a friend with a shaky hand; the photo should then be cropped down to only the head (no neck or double-chin if applicable), and then resized to 25x40 pixels (a.k.a. the "postage stamp" preset), and then posted to the hofile with a note under it that says ("This is an old pic, but u get the idea! LoL!"). If you don't have a camera phone (because your prepaid wireless company wouldn't give you one), you can also use a photo from when you were 17 and on vacation with your first (26-year old) husband; just make sure to crop him out of the picture as much as you can (an arm or a leg left is OK).