high school

10: At school, we want you to think for yourself. This is why we take big measures to shut you up when you challenge us. Our lump of mus- I mean brain, swells up at the slightest hint of rebellion 9: The counselors are always here to help you. From bullying to suicide, you can always count on us, whether is it pretending to care about your stupid teenage drama, or wacking off secretly at your rock concert 8: Honey, I know you're failing, and that you are a hopeless shit, but... GOOD JOB!! 7: If you're going to homework, get need to GET A LIFE. GET INVOLVED! Now, 10 pounds of homework, due tomorrow! 6: Remember to show your school spirit! Our football team sucks ass! We're holding a pep rally to honor their defeat from Altoona! 5: Our food is made from the finest bits of rubber and mold residue! No wonder when you eat at school, you get a great meal at a great price! 4: Be an individual. Our job here is to prepare you to become productive sheeps of society. 3: Our no drug program has reduced drug use by 50%. We pride ourselves in having the most drunk parties in the nation and being a top-ranked party school. 2: You will look back fondly over these years. Our SAT has ruined your life, our seniors have forced you to give blowjobs, and getting up a 5:30 for another bleek day of wrinkly old grannies are your fondest memories. 1: We pride ourselves on having the best and brightest teachers in the nation. Our students have gone off to become the most accomplished men and women. This is why you have the sex-deprived pedophile for history, and the never-smiling hobos as classmates