hick

There are many variants of the hick species. I would like to describe the Northern Ontario phenotype. They are mostly male, but females are not uncommon. Females can be recognized by their unhealthy obese stature, nicotine and beer stench, and raspy voice. Northern Ontario hicks usually hold mindless jobs in paper mills, sawmills, mines, or collect disability benefits or welfare due to unhealthy lifestyles. More and more of them are becoming redundant because they are being replaced by things which are more automaton than they are: automation and robots. They are mostly functionally illiterate, uneducated, backwards, uncultured, laggard, and unsophisticated. Due to the fact they are functionally illiterate, they cannot read the instructions on condom wrappers or birth control pills resulting in the unfortunate dissemination of endless generations of hicks. Hicks have a propensity to boast about the acquisition of mindless polluting toys such as ATVs, snow machines, and large gas sucking pick up trucks. Their social status is manifested by the mountains of garbage they put on the curb every Tuesday. Recycling is considered an anti-social act. Mass energy consumption and waste is also a sign of hick behaviour. Running air conditioners at full capacity with the windows open in the summer and heating the house to a sweltering temperature in the winter are good examples of hick-ness. Hicks can be also seen at the beer store on payday loading their pick up trucks with cases of beer before going on beer binging expeditions in the woods where they will leave tell tale signs of their presence such as empty Tim Horton's (a large coffee chain) coffee cups, trash, and empty beer bottles on the side of the road and in the forest spoiling the nature they claim to be an inseparable part of their heritage. The Northern Ontario hick can be recognized by the characteristic "ee" at the end of each incoherent sentence that it utters. Familiar sayings include "gonna drink some beer dayr ee" or "dat gas is ixpensiv dayr ee" My favourite is "sheez runnun real good dayr ee". It refers to the clouds of black smoke emanating from the tailpipes of their trucks. A sure fire method of ridding hicks of the environment is to make them uncomfortable by trying to engage them in intelligent conversation, by introducing them to new terms such as anthropogenic climate change, science,art,epistemology, dialectics, and tautology, or by telling them that there is no such thing as heaven when they die. You tell them that they will go to a library or a university instead.