Go Bo Wai

"I Go Bo Wai!" These were the first words of the great Text of the Sun. This book, one of twenty-two, was the Chinese philosopher Go Bo Wai's greatest work. Born of a goat and a flower, as legends say, he is hailed as the greatest philosopher since Confucius himself. His childhood was deeply troubled: His mother, Wis Wai Yu Go, and his father, Go Wan Wai were both poor merchants. They sold novelty tea sets for funerals, which, obviously, was quite a distasteful fetish at the time, unlike it is today. When Go Bo Wai was born, his parents took up dirt-farming, which, suprisingly, was less profitable. His sister Go Noo Wai, his brother Go Ah Wai, and their baby brother, Hermaf Ri Dite, (Or Hermy, as they called him), were all diagnosed with several diseases, including, but not limited to, childhood obesity, Cox's pox, hysterical pregnancy, debilitating overbites, and severe depth perception impairment. Go Bo Wai, though, somehow made it through his childhood with minimal terminal congenital diseases and few facial lesions. Sadly, his brothers and sister all died in, respectively, a freak abbacus accident, hysterical childbirth, and dehydration caused by sonic diarrhea: "the noisy killer." Go Bo Wai and his dog, Frankenpoopenmeyer, traveled across the known world in search of enlightenment, where he discovered the Polynesian beauty, Undunda. She became his muse. Together they conqured the world-- through beauty and sickeningly excessive lovemaking. Today we can thank Go Bo Wai for his many contributions to modern philosophy, art, and technology (He invented the derigible, the color "blue," the modern-day sweater, electricity, as well as ethnic profiling at airports. He was laid to rest in the year 666, which many insist is a sign for the coming of Doom's Day, then, others graciously stone those naysayers to death. Go Bo Wai died in the Massacre of St. Morticia, and is buried in one of many mass-graves at St. Morticia's Library for the Blind. A single axe-wielder butchered 700 blind people in one day, who were listening to Go Bo Wai give a speech on the wonders of visual art, and was accidentally lumped in with the blinds. Tragically, no one saw it coming. He shall be deeply missed by all.