Catholic University of America

Humorist PJ O'Rourke once stated, "I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with." After one visit, it becomes apparent that God has obliged PJ with an entire University with suitable Church-goers. Almost as a rule, the female students at Catholic sport oversized buttocks, and often a bit of a tummy (for when they fall asleep in Church leaning forward, perhaps?). Additionally, sweat pants with the Catholic logo are religiously (pardon the pun) purchased and worn, mainly because no jeans at A&F will fit. PJ's theories are further proven by the intellect displayed by Catholic U students. The females, despite having zany and purely incorrect beliefs on what constitutes virginity (make sure he wears a condom!), are outdone by the males. On the one hand, they take some pride in living in one of the less-advantaged socio-economic areas of DC, but on the other hand they are quick to forget that they are provided with security that would have made the Marines at Khe Sahn green with envy. The entire campus is ringed with gates, security card checks, and other such nonsense so as to provide a safety barrier between the students and the 'murkier' folk they are surrounded by. While conversing with Catholic students, it is considered polite to drop the n-word several dozen times, even when discussing the question of why African-Americans are ambivalent about supporting the Republican Party. If I haven't yet convinced you to pay CUA a visit, I should point out one last detail. As long as you can conjure an even half-way decent reason for them to not feel guilt, the women are easier than 123. I take no responsibility if the condom breaks, however.