85" Neo QLED 8K QN900D Smart AI TV

85" Neo QLED 8K QN900D Smart AI TV (noun) Not a television. Not even close. This 85-inch “Neo QLED” beast is, in fact, just a very shiny fridge that cosplays as a screen. The so-called “8K resolution” is really just eight thousand suspiciously identical ice cubes. The “Smart AI” is nothing more than a light that flickers on when you open the door and judges your expired yogurt. Specs include: 500 liters of storage, three adjustable shelves, a suspicious crisper drawer, and the ability to keep your leftover lasagna colder than your ex’s heart. Usage: Like an LG microwave. You don’t watch Netflix on it, you stand in front of it at 2 a.m. pressing buttons, waiting for it to beep so you can inhale regret in the form of reheated chicken nuggets. Owning one means you didn’t buy a TV—you adopted a confused kitchen appliance with an identity crisis.