Vortextualization

Vortextualization occurs when someone (whether they realize it or not) tries to give so much contextualization regarding something (or someone, or somewhere) that they inevitably (and often inadvertently) make their statement so convoluted (and possibly unintelligible) that by the time they're finished (if they're ever finished), no one (except those with a Ph.D in Linguistics) knows what the deuce is being talked about - giving the feeling of being trapped in the vortex that *is* the current conversation (example: this whole paragraph.) If a person is often led conversationally astray by rabbit trails, tangents, asides, et. al., they are most likely a vortextualizer. They will often speak with tones of earnestness and urgency, as they think that what they're talking about, regardless of topic, is of the highest importance and needs to be dissected in detail. Do not make the easy mistake of confusing vortextualizers and plain old slow-talkers. Both take an hour-plus to say ten minutes worth of stuff, but while the latter does this purely due to speed issues, the former does it because he, in his own mind, truly believes that he has more than an hour's worth of stuff to say, even though the large majority of his ramblings come down to incessantly repeating himself using different words and going down rabbit trails that have no objective relevance whatsoever. If the word "vortextualizer" seems a bit too unwieldly, "long-talker" could be substituted quite easily, with the added benefit of increasing comprehension by conjuring up the feelings of hopelessness and futility that often accompany those who are caught in conversations with such people. The main consequences of vortextualization are that conversations take three times as long (or possibly longer) as they usually would have, and after having been through such a conversation, the non-vortextualizer (hereafter referred to as "the victim") gets the overwhelming feeling of "I can never get those minutes of my life back" accompanied by depression regarding the thought of one's growing older and strong feelings of anger (possibly manifested in violence) towards the vortextualizer. It is possible to overcome vortextualizers early in conversations by subtly dropping quips such as "What's your point?", "What does that have to do with anything?" and "For the love of all that's holy, please stop talking." However, it should be noted that this strategy only has a marginal amount of success, as vortextualizers are, for the grand majority of them, completely oblivious to the fact that they are such, and will dismiss said attempts with statements like "But don't you *see*?" or by merely laughing and telling their captive "what a great kidder" they are. Simply ignoring them or "going to a happy place" is largely ineffective, since, by and large, vortextualizers won't even notice the victim's eyes glazing over, and their ability to blather on is often greater then most people's ability to ignore. If this should happen, it is quite effective, acceptable, and understandable for the victims of vortextualizers to say something to the effect of "You're driving me crazy with your nonsense drivel, and I'm leaving now to avoid seriously physically hurting you" and simply turning around and walking away. As before, vortextualizers will often laugh such statements off, thinking the victim couldn't *possibly* have been serious; however, if these directions are followed closely, the victim should be about 20-30 yards away from them by that point. Like stated, this lighthearted reaction is exhibited by the majority of vortextualizers; it should be noted though, that the minority reacts with fierce indignation, seemingly unable to comprehend that the victim doesn't want to spend three hours talking about the finer nuances of what the vortextualizer had for breakfast or the spiritual applications of what he read in the bathroom. "Fascinating, I'm sure," the victim will say in attempt to cut a conversation by sixty-plus minutes or at least get it focused on something more objectively important. Tactics like this, when used for the minority, will only garner anger and comments like "What, don't you *care*?" or ending in him simply leaving in a huff, off to find a more understanding and long-suffering audience. Which is usually just fine as far as the victim is currently concerned. How is vortextualization cured? It isn't. But it can be helped by potential victims keeping an air of "I REALLY have to be somewhere right now" about them. "My (insert relatives) were just in a car crash." "I'm late for my (insert relative)'s wedding." A good way to pull this off is by claiming acute diarrhea. Crude? Yes. Embarrassing? Possibly. But effective? Definitely. Besides, the body can only take so much punishment - talking about absolute tripe for any longer than a couple of minutes will likely cause acute diarrhea anyways. Best to just claim it and run for the hills instead. If used too often, the vortextualizer might catch on to the victim's game, although the victim knows it's anything but a game. In fact, depending on how long one has had to put up with the vortextualizer, it just might be better to claim things that couldn't possibly be true: "My brother is giving birth" (especially effective if it's known the victim has no brother) or "I have to go to the hospital now because my arm just fell off," even though both of them are clearly still attached. Maybe, just maybe, the perpetrator might get the hint. 'Tis a foul medicine, but the disease is far fouler. We must all do what we can, however unsavoury, to help rid the world of this blight and make it a better place to live for everyone. If you know of someone who is a rampant vortextualizer, please, for everyone's sake, be willing enough, be brave enough - be a *friend* enough - to give the help that's so desperately needed.