You Mug

You are a worthless waste of life, which is why - at this precise point in world history - you are reading this sentence. You think you should be doing something more productive, but for some reason, you aren't. You think your taste in music matters. You think playing video games makes you "alternative". You "spontaneously" quote Monty Python. You installed Linux on a partition because it seemed vaguely countercultural. You wear a fucking fedora in public and believe this makes the world a more whimsical place. You went to a second-tier state college and joined the Roleplaying club on the first day of orientation. You watch anime but insist you're not a fanboy. You quote memes at parties and then laugh alone, awkwardly. You own at least one cape which you wear "ironically" to comic conventions. You drive a 1990's Civic with crumbs on the floor and an "I roll 20's" bumper sticker. You write long posts in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist but never get responses. Your parents pay for most if not all of your college tuition because you lack the motivation to seek financial independence. You haven't had much sex, and the few times you did were clumsy and tedious. You think people shouldn't judge you based on your meager accomplishments because that's not, like, what you're about, you know? You collect Plastic Crap. You hover around the edges of your social group, grasping at straws of approval. You get your ideas and arguments from blogs. You don't get invited, you tag along. You like to tell yourself you "only date nerds because they understand" you, but then masturbate to 10's who wouldn't even waste the breath to tell you to fuck off if you approached one of them in a bar. You sit at your desk daydreaming about which X-Men power you want, while your peers are building the world in their image. You fail it, where it = ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.