Twilight

A pornographic novel celebrated by teenage idiots with no lives or brains. Anyone with half a mind can see how cliche, unrealistic, and mormon this novel is. It's basically Stephenie Meyer's sad view on what she wishes her life could be like. It's more of an add for abstinence and religion than an actually readable novel. The story follows BELLA SWAN, a seventeen year old slut, who moves from Arizona to the little town of Forks, Washington. It obvious from the get-go that BELLA would more realistically be named Stephenie, because it's clear to all that she's just a self-insert. Anyways, BELLA is moving to give her mother and new stepfather some room to herself. This is an uncharacteristically mature decision that illustrates what a brat BELLA is. When BELLA arrives at Forks High School, all of the male students immediately fall in love with her. No kidding, she has about five prom invitations by the end of chapter two. She is thrown into popularity and embraced by everyone but one girl, LAUREN, who is immediately shunned and never heard from again. The only person (other than LAUREN, of course) that doesn't seem to capture her attention is the absolutely radiant EDWARD CULLEN, a vegetarian vampire with "radiant, flashing" teeth the size of a pickaxe. Okay, not that big, but by the end of chapter three, you kind of begin to wonder whether Stephenie Meyer has a teeth fetish. In EDWARD'S vampire clan live ALICE, an itsy bitsy yet absolutely perfect vampire, ROSALIE, a very tall yet absolutely perfect vampire, EMMETT, a very muscular yet absolutely perfect vampire, JASPER, a very sensitive yet absolutely perfect vampire, CARLISLE, a very compassionate yet absolutely perfect vampire, and ESME, who is, honestly, kind of is an obedient wife. Oh, no, that isn't totally overdone, Stephenie! So, there BELLA is, wondering what she could possibly do to have offended EDWARD so much, when all of a sudden he falls in love with her! He then confesses that he is a vampire, and saves her from being raped from a bunch of kick-ass homeless guys. Because that, apparently, is what vampires do in their spare time. So, after falling in luuuuurve with BELLA, EDWARD delivers the now infamous line that has pre-teen girls and sad-excuses-for-life-forms all over the world squealing fangirlishly. "You are my life now." Did I mention anywhere that at this point in the novel, EDWARD begins sneaking into BELLA'S bedroom at night, not looking for cheap thrills like any self respecting man, but to watch her talk in her sleep. Can you say, "stalker"? I think that Stephenie Meyer may have suffered from molestation at some point in her life. Now then, EDWARD takes her to meet the family, all of whom squeal and complement her in a way that completely flusters poor ole BELLA, who then acts clumsy and endears herself more to the reader. EDWARD then takes advantage of BELLA, convincing her to go play baseball with him and his family. They go play baseball. Whoop-de-friggin'-doo. While playing baseball, the pivitol plot point happens. Thank god, because nothing else is going on. A group of stray vampire come along and smell BELLA. Yes, BELLA. Out of all of the possible human beings in the area, BELLA is the most attractive to them. Surprise, surprise, no? EDWARD gets all growly and up in your face with JAMES, the leader of the other coven. JAMES goes into a feeding frenzy, and the CULLENS are forced to escape with BELLA. When ALICE, JASPER, and BELLA are at an airport in Phoenix, BELLA suffers another moment of maturity and runs away from her vampire guardians to take JAMES on on her own. This results with BELLA lying moaning on the floor of a dance studio, JAMES on top of her. It's never really made clear whether he's trying to suck her blood or if he's trying to get it on with her. Just as it looks likes it's curtains for BELLA, EDWARD flies into the dance studio and begins battling JAMES. Amazingly enough, he wins. Who would have thought, huh? BELLA has been bitten by JAMES, and the venom is slowly spreading throughout her body. EDWARD, for some reason, must suck out all of the venom before she becomes a vampire. Not CARLISLE, not ESME, but EDWARD. EDWARD sucks out the venom. BELLA and EDWARD attend the prom together. EDWARD leans in and murmurs something along the lines of "You're my soulmate, Bella!" They kiss. The book ends. Book 2 is called New Moon. I won't go into great detail about it, but somewhere in the second chapter, Edward says, "Suck it, Bella. I don't like you anymore. Bye, bitch!" Bella then spends the remaining 32 chapters angsting about her teethy little vampire buddy. That is, when she isn't making out with her younger man, a werewolf named Jacob.