toronto

Toronto is the largest city in Canada and for many decades now has been the nation's economic and cultural capital. Since the population of Canada outside of Southern Ontario, Greater Montreal and British Columbia's Lower Mainland is made up of far-away pockets of isolated people who only leave the clammy warmth of their squalid kitchens for four months out of the year (June to September), most forest-dwelling, coal-mining, hayseed Canadians harbour a profound and innate hatred for Toronto because: a) if you were so inclined, you could dine on a different ethnic cuisine every day for a year, prepared by people who know what they're doing; b) lots of cool and smart gay people live there; c) the city is unabashedly liberal-minded and hates hypocritical bigots; d) new and innovative cultural experiences are created every day by a thriving arts scene in the city's beautiful and unique neighbourhoods; e) Toronto has for a very long time funded all the welfare bums and 'seasonal workers' who live in most of the rest of the country; these ingrates have always been jealous and resentful of the hand that feeds them; f) after being supported by Toronto for decades, Alberta suddenly has lots of oil money, and we all know how the garish nouveau-riche like to treat their cultural superiors - with snide contempt and petty insults; Albertans are the only people on earth who worship Idaho as their ideal model society, and the only people outside of Texas who think George Bush is Jesus's emissary on earth; g) Montreal has been economically and culturally stagnant since the 70's and the city has watched all its jobs, artists and companies relocate to Toronto; even Celine Dion started putting out English-language albums and then left them for Vegas; at least Montreal still has poutine prepared hundreds of different ways and chain-smoking separatists who dream of their gun-toting terrorist heydays in the seventies; h) Vancouverites think the sun shines out of their asses, which is a good thing because it certainly doesn't shine over their city; most cities have a 'wrong side of the tracks', but in Vancouver you'll see track marks up the arms of half its citizens; yay, disease-infested crackwhores for all! i) Toronto is one of the most enjoyable, relaxed and livable cities on earth, and the people are friendly, open-minded, beautiful and a lot of fucking fun. Alas, for these reasons and more it isn't a surprise to anyone from Toronto when they see idiots from the rest of Canada slag their city to anyone who is either dumb or confused enough to give them the time of day.