tonemaster

n., from L. magister + tonam: the product you want to purchase for thirty-eight easy monthly payments of $429.93. The tonemaster is a small rectangular box covered in groundhog hide that enables its owner to accomplish such death-defying feats as: 1) riding an alpaca and saying a Tridentine mass at the same time; 2) ordering a large bucket of hot wings while a live performance of Monteverdi's Vespers comes out of a random bodily orifice; 3) increasing the value of your otherwise worthless life and ensuring that you will be able to see during the Three Days of Darkness by the miraculous FedEx delivery of Marian herbs (including St. John's Wart) and Sts. Cajetan and David of Wales medals exactly forty-two minutes before those Three Days of Darkness...which FedEx delivery will also include a nice spatula so you can make those brownie cakes you like so much, you slutty bitch, you.