Resolutioner
proper noun; muscle & fitness terminology; a new or rarely seen gym member who's sudden appearance has undoubtedly been brought about by a personal resolution to "get in shape." The Resolutioner is viewed as somewhat of a nuisance by regular gym patrons because their commitment to fitness is often only temporary (usually fading within 2-8 weeks of initial sighting). In the mean time, the Resolutioner succeeds only in crowding up the gym's limited floor space, sweating up the machines, and generally interfering with the workouts of more hardcore gym members. A Resolutioner may appear at any time, however, they are seen in increasing numbers during the months of December and January thanks to the ever popular tradition of declaring personal resolutions around the start of a new year (see New Year's Resolution). Resolutioners can most easily be identified by looking for the following: 1) brand new, color coordinated workout apparel 2) sweat bands and/or leather gloves 3) stylish off-the-shelf water bottle 4) bad form and lack of confidence around the machines. Resolutioners often include: the fat person trying to do crunches 2) the skinny guy struggling to bench almost no weight at all and 3) the chick in front of the mirror waving around those adorable little pink dumbells.
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Excellent satire - didn't see comments to that end, so find it hard to fathom if most readers, in turn, didn't laugh out loud, and say so. But apparently not.
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