Millard Fillmore

n. America’s 13th – and perhaps most obscure – President. He is so obscure, in fact, that his nickname is “The American Louis Philippe” (huh?). However, this is not to suggest that Fillmore didn’t accomplish great things (Gadsden Purchase anybody?). If one thing can be said about Millie, it’s that he was one heck of a lady’s man. So much so that he married his teacher who was two years his senior! This is not surprising since the November 2004 issue of Presidential Pricks magazine identified Fillmore as our most well-endowed former commander-in-chief (our phallically-enhanced erstwhile leader is referred to as “the tripod” in the diary of his mistress). Notwithstanding, some historians insist that his sexuality is as dubious as Lincoln’s – especially when you consider that he was obsessed with physical fitness and his favorite color was fuchsia. Millard Fillmore’s departing words were “the nourishment is palatable” (after finishing a bowl of soup). How profound.