Mike

A rare character defined by his colossal mass and wealth of useless information which covers every topic that you don't want to hear about. Talents include reciting entire URL addresses and quoting from 'How I Met Your Mother'. Despite his lack of ability with maths, Mikes in general are renowned for their superior skill in monitoring debts to the exact penny. Talents do not include knowing how to shit properly, a basic human function he seems to struggle with more than showering. This leads to a smell so pungent it could kill the smell of a dead animal, as well as said dead animal - which will probably have shit smeared on it, in the same fashion as his door/bathroom wall/bathroom door handle/everything in bathroom apart from bowl. Eating habits include everything that is processed and chemically engineered, although the species of Mike may occasionally advance to feasting upon 'peanut butter and jelly sandwiches', one of the many Americanisms he has adopted. Mikes may be falsely recognised as slugs, a species that share similar qualities with Mikes; however, it is unlikely that one may spot a Mike as they rarely emerge from the dark dank recesses of their beds. There are several matings calls used by Mikes, which vary from the 'How I Met Your Mother' theme tune to the sound of the fridge door opening; more often than not, it is the sound of an unsuspecting taxpayer opening his/her wallet, or withdrawing money from a cashpoint which attracts a Mike to a prospective victim.