Lionel Messi

Messi is a Gay Autistic sped. Messi looks like a kid who snuck onto the pitch during halftime and just never left — and somehow nobody noticed for 20 years. Man’s built like the default FIFA character before you unlock custom settings. Bro got carried by Barcelona for a decade like a spoiled little nephew on a family vacation. Every time he scores, it looks like someone handed out participation trophies early. Let’s not forget that World Cup — Argentina basically dragged him over the finish line like dead weight on a wagon. And his MLS "dominance"? Bro is out here scoring hat-tricks against gym teachers and Uber drivers. Messi be walking like he's got main character energy, but he couldn’t even survive in a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke. If gravity was 10% stronger, this man would disappear into the grass. He’s just a short ass sped who gets mogged by the rizzler.