kennett square

Kennett Square, diverse and sophisticated Part 1, early history: A small historic town about 45 minutes west of Philly. Originally a Quaker settlement that tried to hand George Washington over to the British. In fact, the night before the Battle of the Brandywine, all of the Quakers in Kennett gave up their whore daughters to the Redcoats. They got them nice and drunk and showed them a really good time so they could leave the next morning and kill the men who were trying to give them freedom. All Quakers are conscientious objectors, which essentially means they are too chicken shit to fight for this country. They are like Amish Jews, old fashioned and cheap. Anyway, we won our independence and somebody decided to let the Quakers live, which I think was really very nice. They tried to keep the town to themselves, which they did until about 1900 or so. At that time many Italians moved from Philly and bought large tracts of land. This was the first time any of those spineless pricks had ever been exposed to a real culture. As one might imagine, it was quite a shock to them. They convinced the hicks from neighboring towns that the Wops were going to infiltrate their homes and slip their toothless wives 8 inches of lean Italian bologna. Many of those brainless retarded halfwits still live in tree houses in the surrounding forests and rummage through trash cans at night hoping to find an old Skynard 8-track. Well, the Quakers invited these redneck A-holes to come into town and burn a few crosses in well kept Italian lawns. It seems they were trying to scare the "guineas" out of town, but they just used the fire to make more pizzas. Part 2, middle ages: Due to the abundance of cow shit and hay in the area, the resourceful and hard working Italians starting building “mushroom houses”. These are long buildings that contain many layers of what is essentially bunk beds. The beds are filled with aged shit (or compost, now synonymous with Quakers) and “spawn” is used to seed them. Soon, mushrooms pop up everywhere. Those early greasers got rich off of them. Soon, every self respecting Guido had a mushroom house of his own. They got richer and the pussy Quakers got snootier. Soon, those same bearded and retarded cross burners that were hiding in cabins made of mud and sticks were shoveling shit for $.10 an hour and kissing Italian ass just to get the work. Sadly though, the hicks were still too stupid to play in shit, so workers were stolen from Mexico. Those people did not want to come here. They were happy in their homes in the dessert, making rock tortillas and lizard tacos. But they were hard workers, so they had to come. Being distant cousins to the Italians by way of the Spanish, there were high hopes that they would do well to fit in. Unfortunately, they were barely smart enough to wipe their own asses, and never really fit in. Their persistence to NOT learn English did eventually earn them a McDonalds with a Spanish menu. I think that was nice too. Part 3, more of the same: Things in Kennett have improved since those troubled years. Quaker restaurants like the Kennett Inn and Kennett Country Club have added spaghetti to the menu, but those simpletons don’t know they are eating noodles and catsup. Italians still steal Mexicans, but this is not well known. With all of their mushroom money, they bought newspaper companies and wrote stories about how we can’t stop the tide of illegal immigrants from entering our sacred country. Since they have streamlined the mushroom growing process, they have to do something with the Mexicans they stole previously. In a stroke of genius, somebody (not a Quaker) decided to teach the Goyas how to make pizzas. Now when you walk into any fine pizza joint in Kennett, you will get served a fine meal from Pedro. To his credit, Pedro makes a good pie. Also, the Mexican population has started breading with the local rednecks to form an entirely new strain of humans called Mexi-billies. You could say they are just shorter and darker hillbillies that eat beans. You could also say they are even smellier Mexicans that live in doublewide trailers and cry when Hank Williams plays. No matter what you call them, they still ruin everything and can’t afford car insurance. PS, Unionville sucks.