hypochondria

1. a declaration made by medical professionals and blowhards when faced with an illness they can't decode with a quick once over or basic blood test. This conclusion is often reached once insurance benefits are maxed out, or even more rapidly if the person is uninsured or has an HMO. By assuring the patient that he or she does not actually suffer from the symptoms they visibly see and feel, these doctors can dispense the coveted diagnosis of crazy before moving on to the next obviously crazy not-sick patient. This hypochondria declaration also helps distracted doctors maintain something sort of like integrity, because it's not like they didn't know or didn't try, and it's not that insurance companies suck or that it's sometimes hard to pinpoint a cause and treat it -- really, it's just the dirty, dirty patient's fault for being so darn kooky. Very similar to miserable women being perpetually diagnosed with hysteria back in the day, except no one prescribes vibrators for treatment anymore. 2. the default response of narcissists who consider those suffering illness inconvenient.