Hampden-Sydney

If you wanted to go to a Southern school, but Duke and U.Va weren't for you because they've enrolled too many "coloreds," and, besides, you had a 670 combined SAT and 1.9 GPA from a random Virginia day school, you're headed to Hampden-Sydney. There, you and a group of like-minded Abercrombie & Fitch-sporting retards can whittle away four years drinking, listening to Creedence, banging skanks from Sweetbriar, drinking, and pretending that the South won the War of Northern Aggression. You can also pretend that the fact that you're wearing a cowrie shell necklace under J. Crew flannels makes you rebellious, that the fact that you're wearing a "Fighting Cocks" baseball cap makes you witty, and that the fact that you attended HSC will make you a useful and productive member of society. If you don't ever want to face the fact that the world expands Westward of the mighty Mississippi and northward of the Mason Dixon line, HSC is a great place to start putting your head in the sand and your thumb up your ass.