German taxidermist

Scout for Roadkill, (most preferably squirrels) search for an animal where intestines are ejected from the carcass and dirtied by the road. Pull over at the site. Before touching the animal in any other way, take a knee on the street over the dead animal and using your teeth, tear away a small piece of flesh from the abdomen serving to create a new orifice. Peel carcass from road and stuff all external offal back into the carcass. Bring home and sew shut all orifices (excluding the one you created with your teeth) to create a bag-like contraption. Over the course of several weeks, repeatedly masturbate into the open orifice, leaving all ejaculated semen in the carcass. When the carcass is visibly bloated with semen, (and sufficiently decomposed) squeeze all contents into frying pan and fry the carcass therein. Eat with salt and garden vegetables.