dashboard confessional

Revolutionary band that decided that the best way to make music is to cut off their own testicles and write lyrics about problems that melodramatic teenagers have. At first, they wanted to play Goth music, paint their fingernails, and write in blogs. This doesn't make too much money so they moved on to downsizing to an entire new ensemble (with their parents money of course). Bought new acoustic guitars, a lighter drumset, haircuts, and new knifes to cut their wrists with. After the transformation, the lead singer had a revelation. He realized that his balls were the reason they weren't making any money. He had surgery to get them removed that way his voice was higher. After the removal, he experienced a strange side effect in which the recipient feels depressed all the time (probably cause he has no balls). After writing some songs, the band needed some lyrics. The default backup lyrics writer had no balls, could he do it? Why yes, yes he did. Unfortunately, all he wrote about was his ex-girlfriends, failed attempts to cut his wrists, his bottle of zoloft, and his cool sneakers. The band was an immediate hit, the lyrics hit the problems of every melodramatic, mildly retarded teenager of America. I mean, the music made the listeners have more confidence (Some guy with no balls makes alot of money, thats gotta raise someones confidence). After they sold theirselves to the devil, they made a music video to put on MTV. The worst TV station ever created. In conclusion, if you are looking for music that will make you want to slit your wrists, beat the shit out of your ex girlfriend, masturbate to kiddy porn, and cry all day, you've found it. Dashboard Confessional. They have a book coming out soon, its called "How to produce shit and make money!". (Publisher: MTV)