cigarette

1. A magic wand used to conjure buses. You can stand there for an hour waiting for your bus to come, but as soon as you light up a fag, it will come round the corner, forcing you to put it out. 2. Something that non-smokers frequently manage to die of cancer without ever using. 3. Something for self-righteous but somewhat timid morons to declaim and campaign against without having to feel like they're going out on a limb. 4. A drug that makes you violent and cuts your IQ in half, damages your liver, frequently causes death on the roads and in homes, destroys careers, lives and families, and costs our country millions every year in lost productivity from people who are too sick to come in to work after using too much of it the night before. Oh no wait, that's beer.