Calabasas High School

"Paradise," "amazing," and "best place ever" are just some of the words that come to mind when I envision this mecca of secondary education. A beautiful place, that is manifested in the campus' aesthetics, with its dreary grey-and-white masonry, gum-spattered floors, puke-colored walls, and the delicious smell of greasy french fries that radiate from the cafeteria every lunch period. The students here are so nice. And when they need some extra help on an exam, that's when they are at their sweetest. You will be showered with words praising your beauty, knowledge, and talent from people who genuinely love and care about you. People consider staying in on a Friday night and masturbating to be fun. Drinking and drugs are never a problem. The few drug users are shunned accordingly. We have some of the best sports teams in California. No, actually, the USA. Have you seen our football team? Every player is on the fast-track to NCAA D-1 football, and then the NFL. Yeah, they're THAT good. Our student-athletes are so dedicated that we are reigning Marmonte League champions in every single sport, and fellow teams cower at our prowess, poise, and skill. Our teachers are incredible. They care about each and every one of their students, so much that they have no problem giving you an A in a class when you really deserve a C. We also have a supermodel named Cathy who patrols the campus. Seriously, it just doesn't get any better than this. Come to CHS. You'll love it.