Columbia

Columbia is a small city located in the suburbs of Baltimore in Howard County in Maryland. Columbia is also about thirty miles away from Washington, DC. Columbia, itself, is not actually classified as a city or town. Columbia is one of the only planned communities in America. Columbia was the brainchild of Jim Rouse, an urban developer who pioneered the concept of the shopping mall. Columbia was established in 1967. Columbia was rated as the fourth best place to live in America by Money Magazine. Columbia is one of the richest places in the nation. According to the Washington Post, the median income for a Columbia resident is over $90,000 a year. Thats right, this place is richer than fucking Beverly Hills. Columbia is overpopulated with rich old white people and kids under the age of 21. Everything in the town closes a 9 PM or earlier. Columbia is a ghost town most of the time. Regular middle class folk like police officers and teachers can't afford to live in Columbia. Spoonfed preppy rich kids tool around in Benzes, Hummers and Beemers with an undeserved sense of superiority over the rest of mankind. People live in multimillion dollar mansions that look like they belong on MTV Cribs. Lacrosse is the unofficial sport of Columbia. Columbia is divided into several different villages: Harper's Choice, Wilde Lake, King's Contrivance, Oakland Mills, Owen Brown and River Hill. Harper's Choice and Wilde Lake are almost synonomous. These two adjacent neighborhoods are probably the most down-to-earth villages in Columbia. Thats because most people who live in Harper's Choice and Wilde Lake are plain middle class. Not everyone is rich or middle class in these two neighborhoods; a good percentage of the population lives below the poverty line. These two neighborhoods are home to some of Columbia's only public housing developments. Fall River Terrace, Rideout Heath, Rosyln Rise, Waverly Winds and the Harper House are the projects of Columbia. These developments are a slice of the ghetto in Columbia. Columbia has a large middle class black population. In fact, over 20% of the town's population is black. A little under half of all the black people who live in Columbia are concetrated in Harper's Choice and Wilde Lake. Owen Brown is home to an ever-growing Central-American immigrant population. Most of these people are recent immigrants from El Salvador, Honduras, Guatemala and Mexico. They usually drive old beat up Honda Civics from the 80s and 90s. They are the only people in Columbia who don't drive insanely expensive european luxury cars. Constant influx of Mexican and Salvadoran immigrants have brought gang activity to Columbia in recent years. MS-13 and Vatos Locos have a visible presence in the town. This is because Maryland has some of the highest incidences of MS-13 gang activity in the nation. If you're a young person, it would not be wise to wear certain color bandanas in public unless you want to get beat the fuck up or cut up like a Thanksgiving turkey. The village of River Hill is technically located in Clarksville. River Hill is the richest and waspiest village in Columbia. River Hill is like a white segregated town from the 50s. You will stick out like a sore thumb if you're not rich and straight up white. The cul de sacs of River Hill are lined with perfect million dollar residences with hundred thousand dollar cars parked in the driveways. Not a blade of grass is out of place. The only minorities you will see in River Hill are the Mexicans who cut the grass and maybe a black mailman. Many deer-hunting, Conferderate flag waving wannabe rednecks also live in River Hill. There is nothing to do in Columbia except to go to the Columbia mall and spend money. Most of the stores in the mall are generic whitewashed clothing stores like Hollister Co. and A&E. Everyone in Columbia wears these shitty cookie-cutter clothing brands. White boys in Columbia have a distinct goofy ass style. They usually grow their hair out over their ears like Ashton Kutcher. Traditionally, these kids would wear Abercrombie and other generic middle american mall fashions. But recently, with the over-commercialization of Hip Hop culture, these crackers have finally decided to start wearing black kid clothing staples like Air Jordans, Air Force Ones and New Era fitted caps. Simultaneously, Black kids have started wearing clothing associated with skateboarding culture, which was once entirely dominated by whites. I'm sorry, everyone is a poser in Columbia.