Bethel,CT

(continued) 3. The antisocial behaviors of Bethelite women may have something to do with the fact that in fifth grade everyone went through the D.A.R.E. program designed to keep kids off drugs and alcohol. Bethel finds it mandatory for children to be subjected to constant reminders of how weed will make you drop dead, how playing with matches will end with your dog in ashes, how if you ever touch a cigarette will make you go bankrupt, and how talking to strangers will end with you in a bloody burlap sack buried deep in the woods. The dramatization of these situations by D.A.R.E. is sometimes outrageous, and barely effective. D.A.R.E. has recently been cancelled as a program as to save money for the town, possibly to pay off the debt created by that big birthday cake for Barnum. 4. Bethel has only two celebrities. The first is P.T. Barnum, who is essentially worshipped by everyone of even the slightest political power in the town. Recently, the town decided that it would be a great idea to have a huge town celebration for Barnum's 200th birthday which included buying decorations and a huge cake and renting a presumably expensive petting zoo and a belly dancer that gave all the little boys boners. A superior celebrity by far is Thurston Moore. Thurston Moore is the singer, song writer, and guitarist of Sonic Youth. Most Bethelites have no good taste in music, so Thurston is not widely acknowledged... which sucks.