Dad
A family member that is usually [non]-existent, [obsessed] with white [stuff] such as milk and cocaine.
Since your dad is slow in the head, it will take him about 5 minutes to realize he doesn't have enough money to buy the milk. Going to
work, guessing about 30 miles from the store in the opposite direction of your house, it takes him, with the given 0.05 mph, about 600 hours or 0.07 years, to get to his work.
That is if, and only if, a cop does not pull over your [father] for the 200th time for diving immensely slow. It would be a usual sentence of fewer than 30 days. However, your [father] has been there a lot and the judge has had enough of your [father] being a public nuisance. This makes the judge sentence your [father] to jail time for 50 years. Worst-case scenario, your [father] is sentenced to a lifetime jail residence so make that infinite years.
However, let's not think that [way]. He gets to work and has to work for the listed 950, 000 days (roughly 2666.[67] years). Getting back to the store will take another 0.07 years, buying the milk will take about 50 more years with the state your [father]'s mind is in. Finally, it will take another 697.01 years to get home.
Totaled up, this is an approximate 4160.83 years for your [father] to come back home with the milk. Unfortunately, the milk is spoiled by the time he gets home, unless it's the special "Never Go Bad Milk" brand, which is probably not the case since your [father] probably read the label wrong and got the "Goes Bad in 3 Seconds Milk" brand instead. Thus repeating the never-ending cycle.
This definition is too long for this mug.