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Jon "Skeeter" Starcks was a Yankee player and basketball person with a weak spot for the hot elderly from present-around 1980. He led the '76 Detroit Pistons to the Super Bowl alongside Cristiano Ronaldo in the '95 Winter Olympics. In 2002 he led to New York Jets to the Stanley Cup. He also won an award for beating the Super Bowl. He like to volunteer too. His volunteer work was primarily in a nursing home for gingers with crabs in the Gaza Strip trimming punes and butt punes of elderly redheads who were oppressed during the Boston tea bombings and the falling of the London Bridge. Common belief is that he competed in all 672 (and won 500) of the firecrotch pune trimmings during half time at the 71st annual reunion of the Quidditch world championship when he preformed "Back in Black" with the original members of the Jackson 5ive, while simultaneously slurping chicken soup from Nancy Povich's ears. Well he actually did not compete in all the 672 firecrotch pune trimmings. He actually only competed in 600 and volunteered in the remaining 72. Contrary to the rumors, he only won 340 of the 600 he did, not the previously expected 500. More recent speculations reveal that he may have held an undefeated title in all 600 deforestation competitions, but the truth of this speculation is still debated today. Later in his retirement he donated 27 "Grade-B" corks, a can of Tomato-Asshole soup, and 3 worry rocks to the Cork-Hill to Space foundation.

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