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This state is quite beautiful and rich in its scenery. It is covered in oak and cedar trees and has many small bodies of water that you look into and see [nothing] but the color brown… and maybe the occasional tadpole or naked hillbilly. The human population of Missouri ranges widely in character, all the way from the busy, healthily socialized city-folk to the confused country citizens, who can’t quite decide on their morals and fall somewhere within the category of city-dipped redneck that smokes weed while [reading the Bible] and wears camouflage shirts with skinny jeans and hand-me-down tennis shoes. If you are an out-of-towner and are passing through, expect to see at least three churches per quarter-mile and potentially a revival going on in the courthouse parking lot. The older Missouri citizens are focused solely on Jesus, the teenagers are way into guns and trucks and losing their virginity between the ages of 13 and 16, and the children like to go hunting with their daddies mount pictures of bloody deer carcasses all over their houses. They could easily be mistaken for their own species of wildlife, [in the sense that] out-of-town hunters might shoot them because they're so annoying and then tell the [authorities], "Woops I thought he was a deer... I mean look at the amount of back hair on him. You would have made the same mistake." And the authorities would believe him. Missouri people are either [conservative] Christians or sluts on meth. There is NO in between.

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