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How  do you keep four blondes [entertained] in a bar? Turn the bar stool upside  down.  [That's pretty funny].

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Son:  Dad, everyone in my class is talking about vaginas, but I don't get it.  What do they look like?

Dad:  Well son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose.

Son:  So what does it look like after sex?

Dad:  Hmm...Lemme put it this way...[have you ever] seen a bulldog eat mayonaise?

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A husband said to his wife, "Honey, can I [take a picture] of your breasts so I can see them whenever I want?"  And the wife replied, "Yeah, sure.  But then I get to [take a picture] of your shlong so I can get it enlarged."

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*NEWSFLASH*  Snow White was chucked out of Disney World.  She reportedly pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinnochio's face and said, "LIE BASTARD, LIE"

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So a guy is walking [down the street] and he sees a sign outside a bar that says, "Pianist Wanted."  The guy goes into the bar and says, "Hi, I saw the sign outside your bar."  The owner says, "Oh yes.  Can you play piano?"  The guy says, "Well, I haven't played in a few years, but I used to be quite good at it."  The owner gestures to a piano in the corner and says, "Show me what you can do."  The guy goes over and starts to play the most beautiful piece that the bar owner has ever heard.  When he's finished the owner says, "That was so amazing.  What is it called?"  The guy says, "Oh, it's called [Your Mom Is] A Big Fat Slut.  I wrote it myself."  The owner is a little weirded out, but says, "Okay, whatever.  What else can you play?"  The guy begins to play another song.  This one is even more beautiful than the other one, and by the end the owner feels his eyes tearing.  He says, "That is so impressive."  The guy says, "Thank you.  It's called Your Sister Slept With The [Football Team].  I wrote it myself"  After a bit of thinking, the owner says, "Well, you get the job.  Come around tonight, and just [do your thing].  People will request songs, but you just have to remember NOT to tell them the title of the song."

So the guy goes home, and at 8pm, he dons his old tux.  However, because he hasn't worn it in a while, and he's gained some weight over the years, he can only fit into it if he isn't wearing underwear.  But no matter, he goes to the bar.

While he's walking there, he realizes that he dropped his money, so he bends down to pick it up.  What he doesn't realize though, is that when he bends over, his pants split open.

So now he's in the bar, and everyone loves his piano skills.  Then some chick comes up to him and says, "Hey guy, do you know your fat hairy balls are showing?"  The guy looks up and smiles proudly, saying, "Oh yes!  I wrote it myself!"

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