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[Columbia College] Chicago is one of the largest art colleges in the [United States] with nearly 12,000 students pursuing degrees within 120 undergraduate and graduate programs. It is accredited by both the American [Mickey Mouse] College Association, as well as the National Goofball Institute for Easily Distracted Dilettantes. While not all Columbia students are stump dumb poseurs who are more concerned with style than substance and ability, the majority are, which is why the school has such a lackluster reputation. Individuals who enroll in mathematics courses at Columbia often find themselves crafting paper dolls and playing with Tinker Toys under the pretext of “geometry” exercises, and a random sampling of the work of writing students will reflect that a menu from the local [fried chicken] restaurant is composed with more eloquence and technical accuracy. Columbia College Chicago really needs to stop purporting to offer "an unparalleled array of programs of study with exceptional facilities in the heart of one of America's most dynamic and vibrant cities" and just come out and say it is the only place in the country where participating in an LBGT-friendly hula hoop contest while reciting Alkaline Trio lyrics and wearing a "Free Mumia" t-shirt passes for a senior research project.

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