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Carlisle is a small city of around 70,000 people (2001 census) located in north-west England, ten miles from the Scottish Border. With its origins in Roman pre-Christian Britain, Carlisle, Cumbria came long before any other Carlisle, especially that vampire from those shit-house books.

The Roman settlement of Luguvalium was built atop the older Northumbrian town of Caer Luel - literally Luel's Castle. The Latin name translates to roughly the same meaning. The town is thought to have been named for the Celtic god Lugos, the namesake of many other towns such as Lugudunum - modern Lyon.

Carlisle played a fairly large part in the 1745 [Jacobite] Rebellion, when it played host to the Young Pretender after capitulating to the Jacobite cause. This treason was rewarded by the Duke of Cumberland, nicknamed Butcher Cumberland, reputedly with the execution of every tenth man, woman or child in the town. Carlisle was also sacked by the Scottish rebel [William Wallace], and not York as shown in Braveheart.

Today Carlisle is best known for its [homophobic] bishop - who claimed that the floods in Kingston-upon-Hull were God's judgement against [homosexuals], its large biscuit factory, average [football team] - Carlisle United, its Norman castle, medieval Cathedral and notorious nightclub-filled street - Botchergate or Botch as it is known to the locals.

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