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1. An ultraconservative, hack bestselling author with no discernible writing skills whatsoever, read (and defended) by semi-literate Neanderthals who consider his tripe "real good writin'." Books are characterized by stilted dialogue, senseless plotting, intrusive author's voice, messy tone, surface characterization, tired genre tropes, [laugh out loud] resolutions, and metaphors so sloppy they would make a six-year-old roll her eyes. Read by [your grandmother], your weird uncle, a couple of your friends and that slutty, weird girl you knew in high school and/or college. Also: read by people who wouldn't know real literature if a copy of "[The Great Gatsby]" fell out of the sky and knocked them unconscious. 2. Author whose best fortune came when a man named "Koontz" banged his mama, bestowing him with the name "Koontz," ensuring he would be shelved next to "King," a much superior writer in every sense of the word.
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