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Former grandmaster of the universe.

Once upon a time, in a mad quest for the [perfect human], some scientist brought the single-celled common ancestor of life back from the past. Then he grew it, along with human stem cells, into Howie. Howie could do anything at all, he had complete control of the universe, and was a cruel grandmaster of everything. He could win a chess game in one move....he could spontaneously create life....and destroy an object of any mass with a [roundhouse kick]. He would often torture his subjects for sheer amusement. But he had one weakness....even he could not divide by zero. In order to prevent his power from being undermined, he created the asymptote to occupy this paradoxical place and keep people from [getting into] it. Then, one day, Howie spotted [Stephen Hawking]. He knew that he held the key to making his power absolute...so he extracted Hawking's motor cortex (that's why he's paralyzed) and used it to grow a brain for his new son, who was an exact clone of him. Once his son taught him how to divide by zero, he would merely dispose of him. This son was Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris inherited all of Howie's abilities, and began his studies of zero division. He found the answer after 3 months, 14 days, 1 hour, and 59 minutes. (Continued in example)

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